I am real.

2006-08-19T03:26:00.000+08:00

And off I go...

2006-08-18T23:13:00.000+08:00

Vous avez brisé mon coeur.
Vous vous êtes trouvé.
Faux.

Aucuns regrets.
Je vous ai aimé vraiment.
Je vous ai aimé de tout coeur.

Même si vous refusez de voir...
Pendant un jour seulement la vérité vous placera libre.

Au Revoir Pour toujours
Battement de coeur.
L'histoire finit ici.

2006-08-16T15:50:00.000+08:00

10 FAVOURITES
- Fave Colour : Puple, White, Red and Black
- Fave Food : Ayam Penyek
- Fave Song : World Music
- Fave Movie : Romance & Dance. Billy Elliot, Center Stage, the Company & the Lake House
- Fave Sport : Dance.
- Fave Day of the Week : Sunday
- Fave Ice-Cream Flavour : Vanilla
- Fave Car Model : Not into cars. Any would do. hehe
- Fave Subject in School : Multi-Camera Production.
- Fave Snacks : Doughnuts

9 CURRENTS
- Current Mood : Empty / Numb
- Current Taste : Sweet. (Ate a cookie)
- Current Clothes : T-shirt and Shorts
- Current Desktop : Compaq
- Current Toenail Colour : Natural
- Current Time : 3.43pm
- Current Annoyance : Little Sleep
- Current Thoughts : My Direction in life.

8 FIRST
- First Best Friend : I had two Best Friends: Fatin Nadia Binte Norman & Neeta Rajwani Ishwardas.
- First Crush : An athlete.
- First Movie : Snow White
- First Music : My mum’s heart beat
- First Car : Suzuki (Family car)
- First Real Date : With a heartbeat long gone.

7 LASTS
- Last Drink : Plain water.
- Last Car Ride : In the cab to Temasek Polytechnic
- Last Movie Crush : Aishwarya Rai
- Last Phone Call : To Yazid
- Last Song Played : Lagu Selamat Datang
- Last Food Ate : A COOKIE
- Last Thing I Do Before Sleeping : Read a book.

6 HAVE YOU EVER?
- Have You Ever Dated 1 of Your Bestfriend? : Nope. Wouldn’t want to.
- Have you ever broken the law? : Hmm… which section of the law?
- Have you been arrested? : Never. I am a good boy.
- Have you ever skin dipped? : Would like to.
- Have you ever been on TV? : The last time when I was on MTV for a Hari Raya dedication.
- Have you ever kissed someone you didn't know? : None that I initiated.

5 THINGS YOU ARE WEARING
- Underwear
- Shorts
- T-shirts
- a COWBOY HAT
- Bikini

4 THINGS YOU HAVE DONE TODAY
- Kissed daddy Happy Birthday
- Did this crap
- Called my loved ones
- Dance

3 THINGS YOU CAN HEAR NOW
- The television in the living room
- Me typing…
- My head pounding

2 THINGS YOU CAN'T LEAVE WITHOUT
- My handphone
- My wallet

1 THING YOU'LL DO WHEN YOU ARE BORED
- Dance.

2006-08-15T14:34:00.000+08:00

“All these promises that we make and we break...why is it that you think people get married? Because we need a witness to our lives. There are a billion people on the planet; I mean what does any one life really mean? But in a marriage, you're promising to care about everything...the good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things...all of it, all the time, every day. You're saying... Your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it. Your life will not go un-witnessed, because I will be your witness.” – Shall we dance?

Would not want to comment much but the paragraph speaks for itself and its relations to many events in our lives.

Durians with Wawa, Fazie and Adik was fun. Stupid Tokyo Drift DVD spoiled halfway through the movie. And the four us of chatted to sleep. Thanks to Fazie for the many tips and sharing of experiences during his BMT days.

~~Inverted~~ Smile.

Pagdating Ng Panahon...
The Truth Prevails.

Panjatkan Doa

2006-08-14T13:44:00.000+08:00

We'll pray for you. Smiles.

Dua Puluh

2006-08-14T13:40:00.000+08:00

1. Yazid
2. Jai
3. Noraini
4. Art
5. Fiza
6. Syiqin
7. Zahillah Bedah
8. Rizcarl Farfalla
9. Endang
10. Diyanah Dee
11. Sharifah
12. Kiky
13. Shikin Teacher Monfort
14. Muhd Nur
15. Kabetha
16. Sis Nurul
17. Sis Syikin
18. Siti Fairuz
19. Busu Rizal
20. Nadiah Najwa

Q1: How did u met 14? (Muhd Nur)
Secondary school best friend

Q2: What wud u do if u nvr met 1? (Yazid)
Incomplete. My best friend :)

Q3: What wud u do if 20 n 9 dated? (Endang & Wawa)
Their butts and boobies would get bigger by the second

Q4: Do u ever like 19? (Busu Rizal)
a lifetime of possibilities. hehe

Q5: Will 6 n 17 make a gd couple? (Syiqin & Sis Syikin)
No, even if their names are pronounced the same!

Q6: Describe 2. (Muhammad Jailani)
Somebody I care about a lot. My special friend and a talented one too.

Q7: Do u think 8 is attractive? (Rizal Farfalla)
Actually when I was staring at him the other day… I realise that he is good looking. But whenever he starts dancing out of a sudden… that’s a total turn off. Hehe!

Q8: Say something about 7. (Nur Zahillah)
Nur Zahillah is one hell of a bitch! I love her to bits. A friend to treasure… someone so true. Hehe! To a point I may have had abuse her sincerity and her trust. I love you.

Q9: Do u noe any of 12's family? (Kiky)
No. Only got close to salam his parents.

Q10: What's 1's favourite? (Yazid)
The colour purple. And gigi taring. And lots more.

Q11: What wud u do if 18 were to confess his/her feelings to u? (Siti Fairuz)
I would slap her. She is my cousin! hehe

Q12: What language does 15 speaks? (Ramkumar Kabetha Bai)
English, Tamil, Malay and one of the Indian languages that she is very proud of. I forgot…

Q13: Who is 9 going out with? (Endang)
THE WHOLE WORLD. hehe

Q14: Hw old is 16 nw? (Sis Nurul)
older than me. Hehe I think 24.

Q15: When's the last time u talked to 13? (Shikin Teacher Monfort)
Our outing together. The one when we had a date with Johnny Depp and Orlando Bloom!

Q16: Who's 3's favorite band or singer? (Norani)
I dunno really. She is working in MTV and this bitch took a picture with the MTV VJs just to make me jealous. I hate her. Hehe.

Q17: Would u ever date 4? (Art)
I can’t possibly. But we love each other. And she needs a boyfriend. Any takers?!

Q18: Would u date 2? (Muhammad Jailani)
I love his company. A lifetime of possibilities. Haha. Telan bomb siak.

Q19: Is 15 single? (Ramkumar Kabetha Bai)
She is! And she will make a good Indian wife and cook nice Indian food. And I LOVE HER. SHE IS A BEAUTIFUL ACTRESS WITH A BEAUTIFUL VOICE. Lelong Lelong!

Q20: What's 10's last name? (Dee)
Her name is Nur Diyanah Cute Tak Menjadi Binte Yahya.

Q21: Would u be in a serios r'ship with 11? (Sharifah)
No! But with YUSOF yes! Hehe Sorry Cipah.

Q22: What sch does 8 goes to? (Rizal Farfalla)
Attri Dance Foundation.

Q23: Where does 6 live? (Syiqin)
Tampines.

Q24: What's ur favorite thing about 5? (Fiza)
She is a sweetheart. Hunk magnet. She is a celebrity now.

Q25: Have u ever seen 7 naked? (Zahillah)
Dah giler! Hehe.

Hott Butt?

2006-08-13T12:17:00.000+08:00

Less than a month to go before I make friends with the abg² askar. Hehe.

Personally I am too tired to blog about things. Especially since I feel that the things that have been happening to me has been too trivial to take notice of.

Just give it a week or two and I can erase all that has happened to me for the past month. Insya’allah.

Where are all my pious friends when I need them! I need someone to teach me how to forgive. I have not done that for the past year. I so need to clear some sins before the green uniform consume me.

Holiday! I need it soon. I cannot wait for my trip.

"Because you never think the last time is the last time, you think there'll be more. You think you have forever but you don't." - Grey's Anatomy

I treasured my every moment with you. All I was asking was for more. But like how Sharifah would put it… “It’s OK!”. Hehe.

Before I go in, I want to spent time with my friends. Those un-hypocritical ones. Those with glowing rings on their heads they look like angels. :)

Oh yeah… I have gotten news that the Pedophile strikes again. Those below 20 years old please, please stay clear. You don’t want to be touched. Beware.

On a happier note, the fireworks yesterday were beautiful. I didn’t go alone. I was with a special friend. But due to all the pushing and squeezing I had to stand alone. And I looked up admiring the fireworks… wishing I was with anybody I knew to share my thoughts about it. But it was good… I enjoyed the time alone.

Mamang I miss you. I have been too busy to entertain calls. We so need to bitch yeah. Hehe.

APRIL BABY
Suave and compromising. Funny and humorous. Stubborn.Very talkative. Calm and cool. Kind and sympathetic. Concerned and detailed. Loyal. Does work well with others. Very confident.Sensitive. Positive Attitude. Thinking generous. Good memory. Clever and knowledgeable. Loves to look for information. Able to cheer evryone up and/or make them laugh. Able to motivate oneself and others. Understanding. Fun to be around. Outgoing. Hyper. Bubbly personality. Secretive. Boy/girl crazy. Loves sports, music, leisure and traveling. Systematic. hott but has brains.

Eh… hott butt too memang pasti!

Try...

2006-06-27T03:40:00.000+08:00

I am trying.

I hope you see that.

Rivals Vs Lovers

Hmm…

Still trying.

If you can’t see that then my days are numbered.

I need...

2006-06-26T03:35:00.000+08:00

A freaking HOLIDAY!

I need a break. I need to breathe. I need to rest. When?

So far so good. Daddy seems to agree with me going to Switzerland for a week! But its summer there. Wished it was winter. Would love to experience Winter all over again.

Well shall not expose too much of my getaway…

Mamang called yesterday. Such a sweet guy. We instantly cliqued during Gentarasa but it would have been better if the Dikir team was around often. Then I can always tarik Mr Karut away and chat² about life. Simillar incidents always bond two individuals together. With a voice and charisma like him it would be blasphemous if this teddy bear does not go far in the Arts. I am proud of his achievements ( I should enquire more). Interesting person. Mang… we will go to a dance competition together ok? Bitching partners!

Personally, I do not know what to blog about.

But I am happy now. Much, much happier…

But…

I am sad too… Very very sad…

Just do not know how to put it right…

Miss my four special people.

(I hope Ajit, Nor and Kay is not mad at me… for not being there…)

Tujuh.

2006-06-23T03:31:00.000+08:00

7 random facts about me:
1) I am effeminate
2) I love to dance
3) The eldest of four.
4) I am in love. (And for once the person loves me back. Happy hehe)
5) I do things to impress
6) Can be the bitchiest DIVA. (SNT has tasted my wrath way too many times)
7) Extremely emotional

7 things that scare me:
1) Allah SWT (Yes Cipah. Im still scared of the Almighty.)
2) Life
3) Losing the people I love
4) Insecurity / Loneliness
5) Having your past catching up to you
6) Dying of a heartbreak (Way too familiar)
7) Loss of respect and admiration from those who do look up to you. (Been there…)

7 songs I like right now:
1) Pajung – Sri Mahligai
2) Biarlah Rahsia – Siti Nurhaliza
3) When The Wrong One Loves You Right – Celine Dion
4) First Love – Utada Hikaru
5) Semusim – Marcell
6) Januari – Glenn
7) Chingay 2003 – Dzul Rabull Jalil

7 things I like the most:
1) My One and Only. (Hehe)
2) The four most special people in my life. (Ajit, Kay, Kak Hani, Noraini)
3) My Bantal Busuk
4) My SNT girls
5) PS / Gentarasa Family
6) My White Butterfly
7) Eating.

7 things I hate the most:
1) Disrespectful people
2) Fights / Quarrels / Misunderstanding / Confusion
3) Early Mornings
4) Thinking. (I think too much. It affects my health. It really does… Sigh)
5) Materialistic Menjadi- Menjadi
6) Memories of my ex-es
7) Life. (Too unpredictable)

7 things I say the most:
1) Very RUDE…
2) Kurang Sopan…
3) How about…
4) Busok…
5) Siolzzz
6) Wow… Gorgeous
7) Jorgeous. :p

7 people to do this:
1) Kikir Putra
2) Kak Hani
3) Kabetha
4) Noraini
5) Ajit
6) Iffah / Izzah
7) Anyone who believes that they are pretty / handsome / Jorgeous.

Hold me... would you?

2006-06-22T01:13:00.000+08:00

I was just feeling insecure.

I needed noone else but you.

I needed the hug.

Just you.

But you took it the wrong way.

And now Im disarray…

Haiz.

You rest…

while I figure where I went wrong.

The way of life.

2006-06-21T00:01:00.000+08:00

I read an entry regarding Persada Juara Tari written by Kikir Putra. After commenting fairly regarding some of the choreographer’s work, he continued discussing about the argument between what is truly traditional and contemporary.

I guess in more ways than one I concur with what he has to say.

I believe ages ago, people of the Malay Archipelago knew nothing about the five malay dance basics or even Mak Inang Pulau Kapai or Serampang 12.

All they knew were the how nature works. Dance only came when they explored their bodies and moved according nature. They mimicked every animal they saw, they observed their lifestyles, they studied the earth and experience the wrath of Mother Nature.

Music came along in many forms. The sound of the sea, thunder, hitting tree logs, crickets… those were the first primitive music of the people.

When drum beats came through the introduction of Islam, they accompanied every beat… every melody with movement. Precise. Sharp.

Every night, after evening prayers… village folks gather in the village circle… attracted by the music. They danced. They move to the music. Laughter. Smiles. A way of life.

I don’t think they would bother if they should dance right. I don’t think if they would bother if they were suppose to dance according the five malay dance basics. All they would like to do is enjoy the music… and let the rhythm move their souls. An outer-body experience.

I do not really know how to judge if a dance piece is really contemporary or traditional. If Inang was revised and its dance movements aggressive… would it be contemporary? What if this revised inang becomes popular and continued and eventually replacing the old one… would it then become traditional?

Kikir Putra truly has a point. In fact what he says was what my Guru Tari said before to me…

“Hasn’t anyone realised that what's contemporary today might turn out to be traditional tomorrow?”…

Up to you.

Rush... Rush..

2006-06-20T22:17:00.000+08:00

Cynthia asked, “ What does the winning group have that we don’t?”

A good choreographer.

I know where I stand. I know how much my seniors have done to be where they are.

Maybe it is true what Abg Kamel said…

Young arts activists nowadays are all rushing to be at the top… what happen to slow and steady wins the race.

I don’t deny I am one of those people who want to be at the very top when I am very young. Just hoping to carve a legacy early. That’s all.

But Abg has a point. Why am I rushing? When I go slow and explore…

Maybe I am just afraid of competition. I don’t wish to be left out in the race. I want to be one of those people that people look up too… But its too early…

Maybe I am also afraid of not being able to reach my goal… when I am alive…

Maybe I am afraid of losing my placing and credibility…

Hehe. I worry too much.

I’ve been really depressed lately. Mostly because of the competition. I am a liar if I say I don’t expect anything from the competition. Was just feeling sad that 3 months of hard work didn’t surmount to anything. What I am sad about most is that my dancers left empty-handed…

Everyday I watched my piece and I realise that the girls did try to pull through. But I guess the major flaw cannot be hidden.

We danced as individuals. Not as a team. Frankly, I do not know what else I can do to make them as team. They are all so different. I know they tried and they are all good friends… but… when it comes to the stage… even though they tried to hide… they were outshining one another. A major boo boo…

But they tried. I know. They did.

Girls… SNT has gone through so much all this years. Constant changes. Constant improvements. But complacency still lies…

Now its up to the current batch to do something about it…

I’ll be gone soon… And SNT will always be in my heart… I’ll see what I can do to keep the group going… I hope that the alumni will always be open to help. :)

Persada Juara Tari 2006

2006-06-19T12:08:00.000+08:00

I needed to blog. Urgently. Wanted to get some latent uneasiness of the heart out.

I don’t wish to update much and I refuse to inform regarding everything that has happened to me for the past few months. The lesser I tell, the better.

Less than 2 months I worked on this piece. I do not expect to be the best. And hell I do not wish to be the worst. I believe I was taught the essentials on how to choreograph but I don’t think being an award wining choreographer came with the package.

I tried. I did. I believe I worked harder than my senior compatriots. They do not need to put in extra effort. Everything, by now, would have come naturally for them.

Not for me… Countless days of no-sleep just to think of formation and ways to make this dance lain pada yang lain.

Never did like traditional. But I took the challenge… And Im glad I did. At least now I know where I stand…

The girls…

They did relatively well. They are strong… sadly if they could try to put aside individualistic intentions and put more consideration as a group… they wouldn’t have been judged as individuals.

But they did their best. And I was in tears at the end of it.

Maybe it is my choreography… that pulled them down…

But I don’t deny they were beautiful on that day.

Persada Juara Tari 2006… An Eye Opener For Amin.

I hope it was for Wawa, Indah, Asyaqinah, Lina, Diyanah, Hani, Caca and Sharifah.

A wake up sign that we have a long way to go. :)

I… have a long way to go…

Rindu Kesiangan

Dara...marilah keluar bersama...
kita berselimutkan cahaya bulan malam?
berselindungkan bintang....
awan mendung kegelapan...

shhhh....jangan katakan kepada sesiapa...
simpanlah sahaja diantara kita...
antara awak dan saya...

shhh...antara kita berdua..
rindukan kesiangan cahaya..
usik mengusik...gurau bergurau...

shhh...simpan sahaja di antara awak dan saya...
janji sahabat manja bersama..."

Khas ditulis oleh Kikir Putra…

I thank the choreographers that called and comforted me after everything…

- Faizul
- Rizal Along
- Sudirman
- Abg Fatturahman
- Abg Kamel
- Abg Ramlan
- Kak Mas
- Yazid
- Rizal

At least I am happy to know that you care. Budak baru ni ada banyak lagi harus dipelajari.

Kak Linda… ur sms was the only one that got my spirits up… Unbiased and ever so sincere. I thank you for what you’ve advised me. Akan Amin selalu mengingatinya.

Take a look at the beauties…
My first costume design. :)

Credits to Bibik Aty for producing the baju.
Salai Tuna for the hardwork on the hair
Zsudeir for hair accessories
Ajitwarna for make-up
Caca Hamoe for allowing to use her make-up
The girls for spraying the lampu gold.
Along, Alang, Acik, Achu for support.
Kikir Putra for being special and for the synopsis.

ikut resmi padi..semakin berisi..semakin menunduk...

I Hate Poets Without A Heart!

2006-03-08T11:04:00.000+08:00

I cannot believe I broke my promise and decided to blog before my results. I am freaking nervous about my results though. Argh. Shall not talk about it.

I received an invitation card the other day. It is for the Mediabiz awards. Each year my course will have this award ceremony for the graduating batch. And I was surprised to find two cards attached to the invitation card. *Smiles*

You’ve been nominated for:

Best TV Entertainment Programme & Best TV Demonstration Programme.

Two categories. Wow. Hehe… *grins*

SATU is turning out well. My past lovers will mostly be there. Don’t know how to react when I meet them. But nonetheless my current crush is the prettiest person on earth. She is so sweet. Wanita Melayu Terakhir. You should see the way she dances. Sigh~ At least looking at her, she makes me forget about incorrigible people. Those who just do not know how to make people’s day.

Here you go.

2006-02-23T15:39:00.000+08:00

Here you go.

After so long, I have decided to update.

Not planning to say much.

But after all that has been going on in my life…

I think the next time I update will be after I get my exam results.

But a true fact is Taurus and Sagittarius… this two signs don’t go well together.

In friendship and In love. Two straining signs. An eternity met with uncertainty for the grounded and realistic.

But it gives one a long awaited realisation...
that it doesn't take the stars to see it all...

Well will update more about life soon.

My Naughty Ass

2006-01-31T01:52:00.000+08:00

Staying home sure has its benefits. TELEVISION.

I spent the day eating, sleeping, eating, sleeping…. And add tears and laughter that would definitely summarize my whole day.

Sister Act 2, The Ladykillers, Coyote Ugly.

Common Trait: Choir = Singers = Musicians

Sister Act especially tugged my heart strings…

Reminisced my choir days…

I was really passionate about the Choir.

There was this one time when I was in secondary one, I called upon all my choir mates to prepare for a performance for teacher’s day. It was difficult to handle my guy mates and frankly, to take orders from an effeminate boy would not do them any justice.

So the gals and I prepared for what is to be one of the funniest (not to forget humiliating) moments in my life.

On the day.

The girls were fully clad in their choir attire. My pianist sat patiently, her fingers trembling from the lack of practice. And I was backstage, passing the microphone to the stage manager as I changed my focus from being the master of ceremony to the conductor of a choir (which frankly I know nuts about).

The moment came… The girls were all ready to sing.

I walked in, gave a bow and lift my arms to shoulder level. I signaled my pianist and smiled at my choir, signifying the beginning of a performance.

This is the common routine of my choir mistress, Mdm Ong Foon. The last I heard of her… she was ill and undergoing treatment. I am unsure of those reports… some say she has the amnesia… while others say she is still teaching. But whatever it is… she has been a splendid teacher.

So the girls sung their best and my pianist did her best, with “unobvious” mistakes, which lead to an unsynchronized performance.

But we did our best. During our performance we generated laughter and it ended with some of the teachers giving a standing ovation for the effort.

So being the proud person I am for tackling a situation that I know nothing about… in this case conducting a choir… I sauntered out with wide smile.

At the end of the whole performance, I went straight to the back of the hall. I wanted to enquire about the choir performance.

The teachers were nice enough to praise about the effort. But they faces were red. They could not hold it any longer… and eventually it was said…

“Amin as you were conducting… your butt was conducting as well. It was moving together with your hands.”

I was embarrassed. In the situation, when I was immersed in deep concentration of the art, I was unaware of the body part that had a mind of its own…. Hehe.

My naughty ass did it again…

I'm in hate!

2006-01-30T01:49:00.000+08:00

I guess a recent event have caused me to be this way…

I felt as if I was a beggar…

Waiting… and waiting… for signal… of any form… maybe a call or a message.

I did.

Wow! Its wonderful isn’t it… how an outing can make you feel like a useless piece of shit…

I owe it to myself…

Yup I am to blame…

I can never look at the three of u the same again.

But don’t worry.

You are not to blame…

I owe it to myself.

Should have kept it strictly professional…

Why don’t we begin…

As of this second…

I hate myself for not inviting myself…

haha… oh well. Goodbye.

Oh shit! Can someone kindly stop this tears from flowing. really...
I don't feel a thing... but it seems like a bloody river...

Innocent No More.

2006-01-29T02:36:00.000+08:00

In the train today, I realize how much we, young adults have lost our innocence.

I mean, look at us.

Our minds… raped of its every virtue.

Our eyes gorged of its every true beauty. (The beauty within)

Our tongue speaks of no truth.

Our ears perceive each lie to be genuine.

Our nose refuses to distinguish the foul.

Our tongue speaks of no truth.

Our skin soiled by each dirty action.

We have lost it.

As my darling sister stood crying, I sat down on the dirty flooring of the MRT.

Tears rolled down her once-rouged cheeks...

And by our sides were two young ones.

My right an infant nestled in her stroller.

My left is a toddler safe in the arms of his mother.

Their eyes locked.

Their smiles met.

Their sparkling baby teeth emerge.

Their youthful hands found a new action.

Waves exchanged.

Laughter galore.

We were between a newly-found friendship, created by two innocent beings.

They know no sadness...

They know no deprivation…

They know nothing of what is to come…

To the Butterfly Man...

2006-01-29T01:58:00.000+08:00

To Rizcarl Farfalla,

Personally dear friend…

I don’t know why you chose that route…

And I am in no position to judge…

I am not embarrassed of what I have done before…

Because what I did was something pure…

I loved.

Continue… to misjudge my every action…

but what I did before was true…

And only I can see to that.

Some people would delete the tags.
But I won’t…

Because I know…
I am real.
I am human.

Si hamba ini hanya meminta satu…
Iaitu untuk memaafkan si hamba ini jikalau telah menguris hati si sahabat.
Semoga terus memperjuangkan seni.
Semoga terus berjaya.
Insya’allah.

Stop.

2006-01-28T23:32:00.000+08:00

Today, after what it feels like an eternity, I went for my Perkumpulan Seni training after a month’s hiatus.

I met up with a darling sister of mine… only to spend our late lunch in tears. She was soaked and I was shedding it inside…

I never knew how selfish we humans are. But really… I am surprise at how bitter one can be. And with that I post the question to myself...

Am I going to be like ‘her’?

No. I know I am strong.

Will everything be fine when I ‘decorate’ my body with slashes?
Will the whole world cry for me when I exclaim ‘I hate you for making me this way’?

No.

We live each day not for anyone else but our own.

Why hope when there isn’t any?
Why reminisce when there aren’t any memories to begin with?

You poor girl… Why cheat in the first place?

Quit doing this to her… She doesn’t deserve you.

Now…

I ask all of you reading this…

“Would you fancy a life… living each day in constant fear?”

I know I don’t.

Stop.

Koi Adventure

2006-01-24T00:44:00.000+08:00

Angah (Shahdon) did it again.
He loves doing this...
I don't know why...
I wurve him!
I wurve all my brothers...
Fadzley, thank you for the things you said.

Reply to Tags...

2006-01-22T20:13:00.000+08:00

Reply to some tags

Iffah: Thank you iffah :) You made my day by coming down. Thank you to your girl friends too…

Melvo: Yeah lah must complain. Spoiler.

Dee: Dah update pun. Nah Amik Kau! Wurve u.

Sharifah: Hey… we love you don’t we?

NadyaNurul: Adikku syg… I miss you too. :) Will link you.. when I decide to put up the links yeah?

Ili: Don’t we all? Hehe :p

To 'by': Sorry about yesterday. Recalled those rejected days... thanks for coming by the way.

I love the camwhoring session with my angah so much. Hehe. :) I apologise for not inviting you for jam and hop. I thought you were working. :) But if it is any consolation... it sucked. Yup it did. Maybe you would have had fun... but it was too secondary school for me. Oh yeah... if you did go... you would have witness someone being really kinky with another someone. hehe

The Interview Ends...

2006-01-21T17:16:00.000+08:00

“To have someone who is young and comfortable with himself… it must have taken a lot to get where you are today.” – Mr Ferlin J.

It is inspiring to have him say those words to me. I guess he understands how much young people yearn to find their real identity.

I have found mine.

I played a sissy interviewer for my course’s Lecture Theatre Show (TP Open House). Again, some may say I am being myself and some are still convinced that it is a character that I pulled off really well.

“Amin that was really a superb performance, I have never seen such a professional theatre performance. (I laughed with exaggerated hand movements). You can get out of the character now.”

Personally, I do not know how to react to her last few words. She did not know me and surely I have not seen her before. We were strangers. She was convinced that it was just a character.

To me…

that character is me. I merely exaggerated ‘him’ to gather aching laughter. Those hand movements and subtle face expressions are done deliberately for endorphin-agents-in-our-body-to-create-more.

Three years I made that character mine. Three times my acting counterpart was replaced. Three times I have received a letter of recognition…

And three is the number of my past lovers who came by to watch me act as me….

It is nice to see my batch coming down to watch the LT show even though they have watched it for the past two years.

Thank you

And thanks to:

Mr Darryl D, Ms Evelyn Lau.

2004 Cast and Crew
Surekha, Daisy, Vanessa, Phillip, Ali, Bashir, Kinky, Bimbo and Sheryl

2005 Cast and Crew
Surekha, Daisy, Vanessa, Nick, Sarah, Darren, Adib, Jonathan, Kinky, Bimbo, Kelly, Rae and Sheryl

2006 Cast and Crew
Sarah, Nick, Andrea, Melissa, Sue Ann, Kelly, Rae, Eunice, Phillip, Owen, Haikel, Jonathan and Sheryl.

A priceless experience.

A wonderful script.

Behind that comedian is a tattered soul…

The Long Walk Home.

2006-01-20T19:12:00.000+08:00

We were aimless. We were confused about something that happened earlier and suddenly we arrived at the bubble tea shop.

Some people were ‘medicating’ their eyes with the sight of beautiful human beings.
Hehe.

It was a great, aimless moment. Sharifah was worried about her exam the next day and I wanted to let out some steam… which Dee did soon after. Hehe.

We sat there talking and talking. And we laughed at my bitterness.

That night, Dee and I had a long walk home. We were telling each other life stories and the last leg of our journey was filled with questions that interpreted our lives.

How can anyone measure sexual fantasies with the size of water bodies?

We did. I am a ‘lake’.

Anyways, she was nice enough to wait for me as I climbed up the bridge. It was like; we wanted to chat a whole lot more… about a whole lot of other things. I guess time does not permit us to do so.

The time will come.

Immature Tendencies...

2006-01-19T23:50:00.000+08:00

Don’t you have those days when you just want to let yourself go and be a young kid again?

Those petty moments when you would go to someone and say, “Hey! I don’t want to friend you anymore.” – Say it with pouty lips and arms akimbo.

And walking away feeling nothing.

Or go to the playground and play ‘Catching’, not worrying or knowing what the time is.

I would like those moments back.

I hate cockroaches. I really do…

And I know what I did the other day was really immature. But it turned out fine…

Had a long Starbucks chat with Kinky. The poor girl, she needed some time out. Starbucks Simei is the place, and Old Chang Kee was just next door.

Quotable Quotes:
"Maybe Amin all he needs is just to ask and looking at her, she would give it to him…”

Hehe. I love you. I truly do. This girl speaks of the truth to me, she always does.

She is my constant. Her undying strength to guide me through tormenting moments should be rewarded. If only I could create a gorgeous, un-‘mat’, understanding and caring boyfriend for her….

She deserves someone to love her… but don’t get her wrong… she is a strong lady… Though she deserves to be loved… she does not need anyone to do so…

Unlike some people….

Eighth Sin

2006-01-17T00:54:00.000+08:00

I spent the whole of Sunday, recalling the tension, the fun and unexpected events that happened the day before.

The Eighth Sin

It was a splendid performance. It started out tense… we did not have any rehearsals before in the Lecture Theatre at Ngeen Ann Polytechnic. The set could not stand and eventually we did not use it. Poor Nicoll for his hard work.

Everyone was having fun making up and I spent half the time worrying when my dancers will arrive. They have their reasons I guess.

.Pride.Greed.Envy.Wrath.Sloth.Gluttony.Lust.

I came up with the dance sequences for the seven sins. Gosh the dancers pulled it off really well. I am unhappy with my solo parts. I cut it short because the audience was not appreciative of the performance. Half way through they were laughing at the make-up and some of the characters. I pity those people who laughed; they were not equipped to handle such an intellectual and artistic play.

[Cue: Reader laughs]

I enjoyed the night.

And ‘by’ thanks. :)

P/S: Let your guard down and indulge in a little sin with us.- Ramkumar Kabetha Bai

Interesting Media

2006-01-15T23:10:00.000+08:00

I was surprise to see myself on the cover of the TP's annual report. Recalled the gruelling photo-taking session I had, just to get that perfect shot of myself holding on to the card.

I spend half an hour with my legs bent. I thanked God for my muscular legs (all due to the years of dancing.

And my fingers are gigantic. :)

Shahdon (my angah) did a short film of me. I am touched. Enjoy.

Angah, thanks ok :) You made my day.

I will update about my recent show with Dramatec soon :)

Vous ne m'aimez pas.
Mon coeur est pour vous.

Zenzele...

2006-01-13T00:56:00.000+08:00

Currently I am reading a book entitled, Zenzele: A letter for my daughter – A novel. I borrowed this book two weeks ago and I am only at the second chapter.

I have never been a fast reader. I would like to take time reading a book and enjoy its content and absorb its every passionate details and adventure. And most of the time, I am never disappointed.

Well, Zenzele seems to be going on fine now. I enjoy reading about Africa and its many different traditions. I always enjoy reading books of other cultures, always something new to learn, always something ancient to pass on.

“All those memories, all the richness of our little traditions, are yours. You may accept or reject them, but they form your foundation. They are your very roots. In years to come you will be nurtured by them.”

Suddenly after I read that paragraph, I am reminded of my younger days. I was reminded of my beautiful cousins and the things we did when we were young.

I share a special bond with these people. Sometimes I am divided into two, when cousins from both sides gather in my house. I am closer to my cousins from the paternal side because most of them live in the east whereas my maternal cousins reside in the west. Even though both sides are of different backgrounds, I love them all. I still do.

The paternal side: We call ourselves the Ujangz. Our late grandfather was Haji Ujang Bin Jaalam. Such a kampung name. I later learned that during his time, that name was a hit. Hehe! Wow how times have changed. A name starting with Siti or even Abdul would send present children to endless shame. (I am so going to get it.)

But again I am only talking about the cousins who are born in the years 1981 to 1988. Yes we do come in batches, the reason because my dad is the youngest of ten children. And if you put an average of 3 children for each family, there would be 30 children altogether. 34 to be exact. And including my nephews and nieces that would be 34 + 6 = 40.

So my batch of cousins is the active ones. We are very open and very lovable.

I am sad that I am not close to the cousins beside mummy. They are nice people, all of whom tries hard to reach for their dreams and ambitions only to be pulled down by financial woes and internal conflicts. I still love them.

In fact, recently an act of love touched me. A fellow cousin stood up for me. His friend described me as “gayish”. My cousin was offended and admonished his friend for such a remark.

Though I was not offended, but such an act really showed how much this cousin of mine loves me. He even said, “That gayish guy is my favourite cousin.”

I mean I do not get that everyday. And what is surprising is, he tries so hard to connect with me and I am all the way in the east, perpetually busy. I never did take time to love him and understand him. Guilty as charged.

I told this cousin of mine… “I spent years ‘programming’ myself to take such remarks as a compliment rather than a mockery. I mean it is nice to know that you are noticed by being yourself. And I am sure with such a description, I am indeed being my true self.”

Hey as long as I am Real right?

Hehe.

J'aime votre contact.

I believe.

2006-01-10T23:56:00.000+08:00

I spent my late evening with a dear friend yesterday. A conference between two leaders – two close friends – two passionate artists – two special people.

It was a beautiful night.

I saw her in a light I thought only best friends would be able to see.

I realised that in every strong woman, there is a strong determination to keep on moving and make a difference.

This girl who was forced to mature at such a young age has truly become a lady with ambitions and talents that have been nurtured through real-life experiences.

I admire this woman. I admire her strength. Even in the presence of weakness, she is able to pull herself up. Not only herself but the people she loves.

No human being is God. No human being is a dog. No human being is an eff-ing failure.

Every human being is given a heart. Though there may be exceptions, it does not mean we have to allow ourselves to falter.

Never.

Ramkumar Kabetha Bai, you are the solution. The only solution.

Minangkabau proverb:

"Padi samo tumbuah jo siangan, adat samo tumbuah jo sangketo"
The rice grows together with the weeds; customs grow together with conflicts.

A reminder that good things are often accompanied by problems.

Mungkin

2006-01-09T08:15:00.000+08:00

It is early in the morning, I know.

I switched on my computer and played a few songs on my WMP.

Out of a sudden hearing a familiar tune, my youngest brother, Achu, was singing to the lyrics of Mungkin. Surprisingly he sang it right and he remembers the lyrics better than I do. Bummer~

As I look at him singing the song with a smile, I realise the only thing that he lacks is the experience and emotions that go with the song. He was merely uttering the words; he hasn't felt the emotions hidden behind it.

He has not gone through the pain of loving someone or even tested the depth of hope. You poor child… for love is one of the finest things in life.
Only with the right people.

*Thinks*

On second thought how I wish I was you, young and untroubled.

Danseur d’âme
l'amour vrai régnera

I am Real.

2006-01-08T21:31:00.000+08:00

I am back after a much needed hiatus. I spent the blog-break swatting unwanted flies off my back.

Yes, and to those who still have my link in your blogs, I am grateful. I know some of you click on that link of mine hoping for a blog to reappear. And true enough, I am back.

The theme of my blog this time around, is “Real”. Why real? Maybe because I am sick and tired of people who are just too fake for words.

Yes there are plenty of them in this world. If I could pour them into a glass, it would overflow.

And sadly to say, I should be categorised as one.*Ponders*

But again who ever practices what they preach…

I know some ugly ducklings and maids don’t. *winks*

This time round, I will try to tackle such untrue sentiments and be real.

I was reading some blogs for the past few days and I surprise at the number of ambitious resolutions these people make. Yet again, I was one of those people before, all geared up to make a difference in this world.

“My resolution for this year is to make sure I assist all the world leaders in trying to promote world peace. For I am Amin Diva, a media student from Temasek Polytechnic.”

Fat hope.

It has been awhile since I unleash the bitchy side of myself. Hehe.

I guess my resolution for this year would be, “I hope to survive 2006.”

I mean with all the tension going on around the world, the natural disasters and ugly backstabbers who are we to predict whether we will live the next day.

Oh well.

I am Real.

Are you?

Danseur d'âme
Je ne vous pardonnerai jamais.